I'm A Creative

Something I have struggled to accept until the last few months was the statement, "I'm a creative" or "I'm an artist". Even writing this out I feel a small degree of cringe, yet I think I ought to own it.

I used to think that I'm too "left brain" to be creative. Or that I'm too much of a realist to be an artist. Sure I like to make music, but that doesn't mean I'm a "creative". I never felt like I understood other artists. They're so abstract and cool, and they see the world in such an awesome way. I'm just a normie who thinks practically all the time.

When I was 12, I was intensely inspired by Twenty One Pilots. This band duo were Christians, yet they were writing amazing songs that anybody could listen to. Jesus was absolutely in their lyrics (and still is). Tyler Joseph's authentic struggles with mental health and faith poured out into his music has literally saved thousands of people's lives. If that is not "fruit" of the kingdom, idk what is. My middle school self realized that it was possible to be a musician and be a Christian without only doing "church music" (and there is nothing wrong with music for the church. That is a passion of mine as well, it's just at the time I hadn't ever considered the concept).

Thus, in middle school it became my dream to be in a band, writing music about Jesus for people who didn't know him. In 6th grade I wrote a letter to my 8th grade self saying "you'd better be in a band now" or something of that sentiment. Yet I never joined a band. I didn't really do any work to breathe this dream into life. In fact, my dream started to wither. The voice of realism crept in, protecting me from failure. "It's too hard to be a musician". "You can never be the best in the world". "You can't support a family as a musician". These thoughts were death blows to my passion. As time passed through the end of middle school and high school, I became more and more jaded to the idea of myself as an artist, or that anything I could create is meaningful.

I realize looking back that I never stopped creating (thank you Jesus). I asked for a midi keyboard for one of my birthdays, I also asked for an electric guitar for Christmas. I got Ableton Live (recording software) and I would just make little songs. I did this all while denying my identity as a creative. Like I mentioned earlier, "sure I like to make music, but that doesn't mean I'm a 'creative'".

After Kiden and I decided to move to Japan, as we've prayed about our future I've felt God's call to go back to that dream of music. Out of obedience I figured I should try to read some art books (even though I didn't feel like an artist). A few months ago I read Walking On Water by Madeleine L'Engle, a book about art and faith. I enjoyed it, but it was challenging for me to read. She is very much the "artist type". She constantly makes abstract statements and goes so deep into rabbit holes about "the artist". For much of the book I was like "that's great for artists, but what about regular people like me?". I felt like an outsider reading about this secret awesome club.

One of her main themes throughout the book is that as children we are inherently creative. As time goes by we get jaded by sin and the world. Creativity comes when one returns to their childlike selves. This got to me. I remembered myself at 12 years old being super excited and motivated to create, and contrasted that to my present self who is constantly analyzing and looking for the practicality of it all. At the end of the book, my thoughts were "oh this is good to implement, I'll try to not be too critical and try to let that 'child' roam free". It was a purely analytical take on the book. It wasn't some profound moment, I wasn't feeling especially inspired or anything, but a seed had been planted. God was moving in my heart.

The change was really gradual. Over the coming weeks/months my heart softened. Somewhere, somehow, in my heart I had finally given myself permission to be an artist. I'm giving permission to the emotional and abstract parts of myself. I am an artist. I'll own it even though those clothes fit weird - I'll grow into them. I'll say it even if I'm still growing in my gifts - I'll get better and better. Creativity is something I will foster, a glowing ember I will nurture into a flowing fire.

That leads me to writing this post. It might not sound like it to you, but for me this has been a groundbreaking discovery and an amazing step of growth in my own identity. I've been thinking over the last few weeks of how my perspective of myself has shifted, and I figured I should write out my story and officially "declare" (publicly) that I'm an artist.

It's vulnerable to say it. I wonder what people are going to think of me. I wonder if people will judge the art I make (they certainly have and certainly will). I wonder if I'm going to fail. I wonder if I'm just deluding myself. I'm fighting those thoughts! Holy Spirit protect me and speak life into who I am. Thank you Jesus for creating all of us for specific purposes, and revealing to me how you have created me.

Looking back, I've been praying for a long time that God would help me grow in my music, in my songwriting. That God would help me grow in my other creative gifts. I've felt over the last few years that God wants me to make music - and it took a while but now I'm consistently doing it! I have been writing more songs than I've ever written in my life. Thank you God for answering my prayers.

And now he has led me to accepting a part of myself I was uncomfortable with. I'm not saying "I'm a creative" just for me - I'm trusting in who God says I am and choosing to live out my created purpose.

Thank you for reading.

(Also I realize this entire website is one big creative endeavor haha)